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Category: Jokes
Apr
08
The Next Life
I found this online today – It was said by Woody Allen…..
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
I rest my case.
post your comments
Dec
07
Convict Escapes
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a women in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you”
“Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him that it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too !!”
Dec
07
Barbie Writes Santa
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat troll, I’ve been saving your butt every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Channel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya’, Santa, but it’s payback time. There had better be some changes around here, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don’t wanna be around to smell it.
These are my demands for Christmas:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro weggies? I don’t suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man… I don’t care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, but BRING ME GI JOE. I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boy toy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?!
4. It’s about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away.
5. Breast reduction surgery. ‘Nuff said.
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher make real money.
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie,” complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion.
10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 40 years – I think I deserve a piece of the action.
Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don’t like it, you can find yourself a new bimbo for next Christmas. It’s that simple.
As ever,
Barbie
Dec
07
Christmas Humor Part Two
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, “Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree”.
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes — dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Dec
07
Christmas Humor Part One
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases.
In her 20s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After
50, they are like onions”.
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
Nov
07
Taste, don’t swallow
How about a movie quote for a quick update today? How about this little bit from Devil’s Advocate….
“Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He’s a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It’s the goof of all time. Look but don’t touch. Touch, but don’t taste. Taste, don’t swallow.”
Sounds about right, doesn’t it?
Nov
07
Who’s The Boss?
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, “So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days”. Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!” But you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.
The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine & celebrate our good fortune.” She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
Oct
07
Choices
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading (this is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application).
You could pick up the old lady because she is injured and will die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.”
HOWEVER…. The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
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